How you doing? Welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller.
Our special guest this week is Dennis Miller.
Thanks for doing the show.
Thanks for having me in the valley of the hand-held.
I'd like to say hi to you, the six to eight people who actually watch this show.
Yes, you, Mr. And Mrs. America, out there on Channel Pi in Minnesota.
Thanks for tuning in tonight.
One of the few shows that makes me feel like Jimmy Arness, ratings-wise.
Time to mange on a little packing crate material. I think it's from Sony Trinitron.
First, they watched a baby.
Where's my hair spray?
Right here.
Then a little lady.
I'll get it.
Now America's three favorite bachelors are back.
And they've got someone new to watch over.
Hi!
Who are you?
I'm an old man.
It's Three Men and an Old Man.
Come on, you want to look nice, don't you?
Perfect!
You're looking so cute!
Come on, have some fun, old man! Come on!
What smells?
You smelled it!
You fix it!
Please stop.
I've had enough.
Maybe we should've gone out to eat.
I can build humongous skyscrapers and huge bridges.
Don't tell me I can't figure out an adult diaper.
And then my prostate blew up.
I had the operation, but it got infected.
Listen to me!
Three Men and an Old Man, coming soon to a theater near you.
Let's rock 'n' roll!
Manson!
Starring Clarice Lohman...
... Van Hammersley...
... and Luke Darian as Timmy...
... and, of course, Charles Manson.
You wanna talk to Mrs. Wilson? Why don't you wanna talk to Charlie?
You think if you don't talk to me, I'll go away. I can't go away...
...because I'm not here. I'm a ghost of a phantom in the heart of your children!
Manson!
Hi, Bernice. Manson thinks he's helping by answering the phone. Scoot.
I wish I had 25 hours in a day so I could get something done here.
Hey, Mom, I'm gonna go catch some toads.
Well, take Manson with you. He's underfoot today.
Come on, boy!
Where's the fire?
Be careful, you two!
No, Bernice, he's not in anyone's children. He just likes to say that.
Find them? I don't see nothing.
Darn that big old toad!
I can hear him, but I can't find him.
Manson, you lift up this rock, and I'll try to shoo him out from underneath.
I was raised in a prison.
I don't know any other way. I like it! Prison is my mother.
Come on!
I've been bit!
Quick! Run home and tell Mom and Dad that I'm bit!
I've been bit too, and I like it!
The truth don't play no favorites. Bite on that, Jack!
Hurry before the poison starts working in! Hurry, boy!
When's dinner? I'm starved.
Hold your horses, mister.
You got to walk it like you talk it.
Hush, Manson. I'm fixing dinner!
I'll fix brain stew for dinner when I'm the cook, Jack.
What has gotten into you, boy? And where's Timmy?
I don't know. I got the eye of the tiger, and I don't know who to kill first.
You trying to tell us something, boy?
You can lock me up, but you can't block me up.
I'm so insane, I'm sane.
He's trying to tell us Timmy's in trouble!
What happened? Did Timmy have an accident by the lake?
Accident? There are no accidents. Don't give me that jive, Jack!
There is only the plan, and everything else is...
Timmy got bit by a snake...
...and the poison's going to start working soon!
We don't have time. We've got to get there!
Show us the way! Show us the way, boy!
Good boy!
Dad, I was trying to catch a toad, and I thought he was under the rock...
It's okay, Timmy. Manson told us all about it.
Once we started listening to him, that is.
If you don't listen, you don't hear. You can't hear when your head's in a bag!
Oh, Manson. Good boy!
- Clean it up and lay it down. - Good boy, Manson.
We're here with Dennis Miller. It's just really great to have you here.
- Thanks. - Have you seen the show?
I love the show.
Quite the little comedic star chamber you've assembled here, my friend.
I love the cast.
You got Janeane Garofalo, little Miss Post-Everything.
Lucy Van Helsing to Robert Smith's Count Dracula.
Wild hairdo, sort of like Peter Gabriel on the Foxtrot tour with Genesis.
- Andy Dick. - Andy Dick...
...Martin Short stretched out on a rack for two and a half, three hours.
Great name. Don't change it. Look good on a marquee when you're doing films.
Parents show up, think you're doing gay porn. Who else we got?
Bobby Odenkirk. He used to be a writer for Saturday Night Live.
A faceless scribe, now out in front of the camera.
And still can't meet any women at all.
- Ouch, Bob. - That about sums up the cast.
No. You. Right at the hub.
The guy, man.
- You're the man. - Thanks.
Also had a cup of coffee at Saturday Night Live.
Bailed out when he found there was no I in team.
Headed up the river like Kurtz.
Runs his own little microcosm.
Damn it, the rules are just what he wants them to be!
Got himself a little cast so he doesn't look autocratic.
But don't get too funny, kids. It might be Hoffa-ville.
- I love the show. - Thank you. All right...
Let's go to a little film. That's your part.
Go ahead.
Send in Al Pacino.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Did you look at the sides? - Yes, I did.
- So you know it's a comedy? - Yes, it's a comedy.
Yes, very funny piece of work here.
Great! So how about some improv?
Sure, why don't we just, you know...?
- Have fun with it. - We have fun with it.
Let me explain it. You've come back from a hard day at work...
...to discover the dog, Beethoven, has destroyed your favorite chair. Go.
All right. This is the dog here? This would be Beethoven.
And what do we got over here? There's no chair, so we'll put a chair here.
Use your imagination.
All right.
Look at this. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
You ruined my chair. That's my chair, and it's ruined.
You want a chew toy? We get you a chew toy, okay...
...because that's the way we do things here, bubby!
And I'll tell you something else. I know it was you, Beethoven.
I know it was you, and it breaks my heart.
That's it. That's it. I don't know where else to go with that...
...because the dog ate my chair.
That's great. Leave a picture and résumé with my assistant on your way out.
I got another idea on this thing.
What about something like this?
Frisk me. You wanna frisk me? Come on, Beethoven.
Oh, Beethoven! You wanna do that? Because I could go that way with it.
No, you were great. I really...
Maybe some dancing?
Could you tell my assistant on your way out that I'm ready for the next actor?
Freeze!
Just don't you come any closer, all right? That's right.
You just stay right there, okay, because you're not gonna hire me!
It's undecided yet. I mean, it's not even up to me.
I don't need this, you know? I don't need this.
I don't need any of this crap.
Tonight, we'll add two more names...
... to the list of people who we think are up to something...
... but we're not sure what it is.
The list of America's Most Suspicious.
Good evening from Washington, D.C.
It's Sunday, February 18, and I'm Danny Bonaduce.
You know, between you and me, this world is crawling with weirdoes...
...people involved in strange activities.
You know the kind.
At America's Most Suspicious, it's our job to find these freaks...
...and get them put away.
To date, your tips have led to the arrest of 86 people...
...with no convictions.
At the top of tonight's news...
...the case of Ed Janek.
According to Mr. Janek's neighbors, the Gradshaws...
...Mr. Janek's a real loony tune.
It all started when Laura was out tending her spice garden.
I was working with the dill...
...when all of a sudden, something caught my eye.
It was Mr. Janek naked, running from his garage to his home.
And then I heard this really odd music, something like a tuba.
A tuba or a French horn. We don't know.
Right. And all of a sudden, he appears in the window in a tuxedo.
And he was singing opera.
Tell them about the chicken and the fish.
He's holding poultry and a fish and singing to them.
And then repeatedly striking them, and just throws them to the ground.
And then he starts taking pictures of me!
She came in the house crying.
I grabbed a golf club and ran over to Janek's house.
Open this door!
Knock, knock, knock! Let me in!
- What is going on out here? - What are you up to, mister?
- What are you talking about? - What are you up to?
I have been in the basement all day working on pottery.
Pottery? What about the naked running and the fish singing and the opera?
You're a lunatic. You're freaking us out.
I have something in the kiln.
A kiln? What is he baking?
What is he up to? That's what we'd like to know.
The police said he hadn't done anything illegal.
I guess freaking your neighbors out is legal.
Calm down.
Ed Janek, if you're watching this, and you want to admit to something, call us.
Try to explain what's going on in that fruity little head of yours.
Good luck.
Now an update.
Van Olander, that strange old bird who never cut his lawn...
...well, he finally showed his stripes.
He tried to rob a bank.
Well, we forwarded Van's file over to America's Most Wanted.
Finally, please keep your eyes peeled for the O'Connors.
They're a pair of first-class weirdoes...
...who have their whole neighborhood freaked out.
It is very unsettling.
They just sit in that car for hours, listening to square-dance music.
What are they up to?
We're surrounded by freaks.
Why won't the police do anything?
Say the prayer.
God, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change...
...and to change the things I cannot accept.
Until next week...
...this is Danny Bonaduce for America's Most Suspicious saying:
When you smell a rat, call us.
We want to smell it too.
Good night.
I'm ready for Sandra.
Sandra Bernhard. Hello, Miss Thing.
Would you look at you? You are looking good.
I am jiving all over you.
Let me lick you.
Poison, right?
Enough of this. We got to get to it. Did you read the script?
I loved it. I was jiving all over it. I licked every page.
The Mighty Ducks is the most brilliant script we've had in years. Let's get to it.
I hope you don't mind, but I made a few adjustments.
- That's great. Make it your own. - All right.
Look at you kids, my little Gretzkys. I love you.
I wanna stick toothpicks in you and eat you like hors d'oeuvres.
People, take your long, hard, curvy sticks and shoot it in.
I am so jivingly proud of all of you.
I feel like giving birth and suckling each and every one of you.
I love you. And then I could do a song.
Hang on. I'm gonna make a note.
I was a big fan of your show. I thought it was great.
You had interesting people on. I'm sorry it's not on the air anymore.
Thanks, man. That's nice of you.
Hey, and you know what?
There are life lessons to be learned out there after a cancellation. You really...
You get on the other side of that pain...
...and I think you find out something about yourself.
So don't fret about cancellation.
You know, it's an opportunity. You should view it like that.
- What? Did you hear...? - Ben, I've heard nothing.
I've heard nothing. Come on.
But you don't have to be Queequeg to read the bones here.
There could be a chance.
I'm not Kreskin, but I got my ear down to the track.
I hear the Silver Streak coming. But you will rise above it.
You'll be bigger, and you learn.
You learn about your guts, what's in here. This doesn't matter.
But I haven't heard anything about the show.
Fox is as committed to it as they are to Herman's Prostate or whatever that is.
All right, why don't we go to this now?
Skank will not be seen tonight in order to bring you a special presentation.
Fox
Hi, I'm Foxy, the network fox...
...inviting you to join me for a wonderful Fox program...
...brought to you in full-fledged Fox-a-rama.
Fox
Live from beautiful Pig Latin Island...
... it's The Pig Latin Lover's Ariety-Vay Ectacular-Spay!
Join international singing sensation Tito Gallegos and his special guests:
Dolly Parton...
... Susan Anton...
... Rip Taylor...
... and the All-American Football Team.
Yes, sir. You're Tito Gallegos, the Pig Latin Lover.
Okay, here you go.
Taylor.
Rip Taylor.
Couldn't you die?
Is it on?
Lunch!
Ip-ray Aylor-tay, adies-lay and entlemen-gay!
And now, Arry-hay, on to the ecial-spay. Ush-may, Arry-hay.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tito Gallegos!
Ey-hay!
Ank you-thay, ank you-thay.
And elcome-way o-tay eautiful-bay ig-pay atin-lay island. Ou-yay...
What do you mean, this ain't Fantasy Island?
I wanna talk with Mr. Roarke.
Mr. Roarke!
OIly-day Arton-pay, adies-lay and entlemen-gay.
An-cay I elp-hay ou-yay?
I hope so. This is supposed to be Fantasy Island, and I wanna get my fantasy.
Ell-way, I'm ot-nay Mr. Oarke-ray.
- Ut-bay I o-day have an antasy-fay. - What's that?
O-tay ear-hay ou-yay ing-say.
Well, you don't have to ask this old country gal twice.
OIly-day Arton-pay, adies-lay...
Okay, ank you-thay.
Ou-yay ow-knay, ere-hay on Ig-pay Atin-lay Island...
Ovely-lay oung-yay adies-lay. Ank you-thay.
Here we have very, very ecial-spay oeple-pay iving-lay ere-hay. Especially-pay...
Excuse me, Mr. Gallegos.
It's y-may eighbor-nay, Usan-say Anton.
Thank you.
I know you're in the middle of a special, and I really hate to bother you.
I was outside working on my car, and could you loan me some bolt cutters?
Ome-say at-whay?
Bolt cutters.
At-whay?
Olt-bay utters-cay.
I ink-thay I an-cay elp-hay ou-yay out-ay.
Ere-hay ou-yay o-gay. Ave-hay un-fay.
I gotta move.
Usan-say Anton.
At's-thay all e-thay ime-tay e-way ave-hay or-fay oday's-tay ow-shay.
Ut-bay emember-ray:
Ood night-gay, everybody.
Hotel accommodations provided by Pig Latin Plaza.
Hey, kids, it's me, Foxy, the Fox Network fox.
Skank returns next week, and limbs will be flying when his kids get gangrene.
It'll be Fox-fantastic-errific-erageous!
That's about it. Thanks for doing the show. Did you have fun?
Ben, thanks for having me, man.
Have I helped you mentally? Did I get inside your bean and calm you down?
You definitely did.
I had a good time, and I love the show. If I could make one qualification...
...and I hate to do this, but I do a lot of things I hate...
...you're not out there enough, Ben.
Shooting the short films, all the heavy editing...
...going into the lab, doing the post-op.
I don't know if that's you. You gotta be out there.
Like, doing it free-form, on the edge like Julie Brown.
I don't mean "wubba, wubba, wubba" from Lancaster, England.
I mean, you know, the real edge.
- That's what we aspire to. - Take the point. Get out there, damn it!
Somebody's got to front this whole operation, and you should be the guy.
Forget the editing! Forget all that crap! Just...
Well, that's it. So we'll see you next week.
I know judo and aikido. You like that?
How about this? You think I'm your pet?
I'll pet you. I'll pet the whole world with a knife.
Then I'll rock it to sleep. Go...
- I'm outside. - Yeah!
[ENGLISH]